Dr. Nicole LePera talks about the dark night of the soul in her book- How to do the work, a must read if you haven't already… She talks about her awakening. She says, “Awakenings are not mystical experiences that are reserved only for monks, mystics, and poets. They are not only for “spiritual” people. They are for each and every one of us who wants to change—who aches to heal, to thrive, to shine. With your awareness awakened, anything is possible.”
I have been experiencing a shift lately. And I’m not sure if this can be called an awakening. I had a similar experience back in 2014. It's a feeling where I know it in my bones, I am changing, with realisations popping every so often in my head. As if all the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place. I am physically present but mentally in a far away place, trying to make sense of all that is happening inside that beautiful brain of mine. The stars are aligning in a way for change and growth to take place. And it's all happening beautifully and chaotically all at once.
The process is painful and it leaves me raw, bare… with wounds on the show. I’ve been told that that’s where the light enters from. And that’s where the healing takes place. If I allow it to...
As I carry my pain and sift through what to keep and nurture and what to let go, these two phrases or mantras as I like to call it have really helped me move ahead…
The first one is - That’s Ok!
Let me give you an example, “I put in so much effort and I failed. Why can't I get anything right?” Sounds familiar?
Instead change the inner narrative to , “I put in so much effort and I failed and That’s OK.” Sounds better?
So I started using That’s OK as a part of my inner narrative and towards my inner critic. The minute I added that’s Ok, the critic was subtly sidelined and there was space for kindness to show up. It allowed me to be more forgiving towards myself rather than being critical. Which was not serving me anyways. Simply allowing the process to take its own pace, in a way of allowing myself my own pace with the healing and growth that was happening. Remember that all the stars are aligned so having faith that change will happen felt reassuring. I don’t need to beat myself up everytime I make a mistake or things don't turn out the way I expected. The mantra, That’s OK indeed helped me accept that it's OK! And once the helplessness was pacified, I found room for objectivity to kick in much faster than usual. And was no longer a slave to my emotions.
Another mantra that helped me is adding - So what?
When something happens, we usually get stuck in the story. “He said that”, and “she did this” or “How could they?” Etc etc etc.
Arguments/ disagreements are bound to happen between two people. And sometimes the heart is not in the right place, or sometimes the person is completely unaware of what he/she is saying/doing. Like every couple, my Husband and I had an argument recently and I found myself thinking - He actually said that, how could he? All the while fuming with steam comin out of my ears. You get the picture right?
The next day, after having calmed down a little, I was writing my morning pages and was deeply involved in the recounting of the words from the argument. And I simply added ‘so what?’ to one of the things he said. And just like that it shifted my whole perspective. And I was like, Exactly, so what? That is his perspective and he has every right to have one. So what? Does that make it true? Is it now set in stone? By placing the expectation for him to behave in a certain way, I was expecting him to be perfect. By expecting him to always say and do the right things, I was being irrational. Also, his opinion doesn't have to be mine or true about me. Adding “So what?” to the end of the thought allowed me to look at his opinions objectively.
Also, this technique will allow you to disengage from the conversation, especially when you are with someone who is too overwhelmed to listen to you or does not have the capacity to understand. Walk away in that moment and do this from a place of love, towards yourself. Not out of anger/ego towards self or the other.
And then I came across this quote and it hit all the right chords:
‘If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationships with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.’
Self work is a journey. And I don't always get it right. Being aware aids the journey is a way that allows change to take place. It has taken me years of work to get here and I still have a long way to go. What matters is that my journey started and I am willing to keep at it.
Peace & Presence
Kiran
Your partner in the HealingQuest
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